Five years after No Time To Die (a film that left the world wondering, “What does ‘death’ even mean for a spy with no social life?”), Amazon MGM Studios has finally picked up the phone. The thrilling casting process has begun. And with it, the most addictive form of gambling since the World Championship of Chess Boxing: Who will be the new James Bond?
According to Variety, the search has been underway for weeks. Nina Gold – the woman who gifted us the bear hugs of Paddington and the laser swords of Star Wars – has been tasked with solving Hollywood’s oldest riddle: “We’re looking for a man who likes his martini shaken, kills with style, and can fit into a tuxedo without looking like a night watchman at a wedding in the suburbs.”
Let’s take a look at the frontrunners – or at least the ones fate (and the betting shops) have thrust into the spotlight.
1. Callum Turner – The Husband of Dua Lipa Who Remembers ‘Fantastic Beasts’
Turner, 36, is currently the favourite. Yes, he’s British. Yes, he has a BAFTA nomination for The Capture (a show where, ironically, he’s being hunted). And yes, he’s the other half of Dua Lipa – which means he’s used to standing next to a woman who sings about “Future Nostalgia” while he plays character chameleon. He could be an exceptionally likeable, slightly more “human” Bond. The only question: if the threat is global, does he have time to film his scene before Dua starts working on her next hit?
2. Jacob Elordi – The Australian ‘Monster’ from ‘Frankenstein’
At 28, Elordi is proof that Hollywood loves irony. A few months ago, he was nominated for an Oscar as the Creature in Frankenstein. Now they want him as the coolest spy on the planet. Marina Hyde (not a spy, but a presenter) says he’s in “pole position”. Let’s hope he doesn’t drive the Aston Martin like he escaped from Euphoria – i.e., with an overdose of youthful angst and scenes that make you want to apologise to your parents.
3. Harris Dickinson – The John Lennon Who Would (Fictionally) Kill Spies
The 29-year-old Dickinson is about to play John Lennon, which means he can carry the weight of a myth. And in Babygirl he held his own against Kidman, while The King’s Man showed he knows how to handle a blade. A Bond who, after a tough mission, might sit down to write “Imagine” without seeming overly anxious. The problem? Lennon fans will protest: “This man isn’t asking for peace – he’s asking for Q’s special-issue Walther!”
4. Henry Cavill – The Most ‘Mature’ Superhero (Literally)
Oh, Henry. The boy who made Superman look like a depressed philosopher, Geralt grunt “Fuck” with so much dignity, now wants to don the Bond suit. At 43, he’s the oldest in the pool. The question whispered in studios: “Might he be too old for a 15-year tenure?” But let’s be honest: a Bond who looks carved from marble, with a jaw that could open tin cans, doesn’t need 15 years. Five would suffice to make Q faint from embarrassment when he buzzes him through the door.
5. Aaron Taylor-Johnson & Theo James – The Eternal Bridesmaids
Taylor-Johnson, 35 (the guy who went from Kick-Ass to the even more kick-ass Kraven), is the classic “what if” of Bond. Theo James, 41, from Divergent to The White Lotus, is the “properly handsome” Bond. Two candidates whose odds the bookmakers bounce up and down like dice in a cup.
And one small but important detour: Amazon announced that the film will be directed by Denis Villeneuve (yes, the wizard of Dune) with a script by Steven Knight (Peaky Blinders). This means Bond will speak in slow, weighty one-liners, sport exceptionally heavy under-eye shadows, and the villain will resemble an intergalactic cartel trading in sand.
Until further notice, Nina Gold continues to watch auditions. We, for our part, will pour a martini (shaken – because shaking is faster) and wait. But please, whoever the next Bond turns out to be: at least have a sense of humour. We cannot endure another scene of M asking “Are you hurt?” and Bond replying “Just my pride” with an expression begging for an Academy Award.
P.S. If they end up choosing Cavill and put him in that Superman swimsuit for the emerging-from-the-ocean scene, the global economy will collapse from mass fainting. At least we’ll have a reason to smile.
by THOMAS DAVIDSON