By our showbizztoday soup-Man in the Know Mark Rain.
Buckle up buttercups, because this week’s entertainment world has gone totally crazy: we’ve got national treasures behaving like schoolboys, soap stars returning from the dead again, and Strictly Come Dancing turning into a full-on dance-off between the judges. Best we get cracking.
The Traitors: A Masterclass in How to Lose Gracefully (Or Not At All)
The news of the day is, of course, that Celebrity Traitors has been reborn and it has already delivered more drama than a wet week in Weatherfield. The nation sat down last Thursday expecting treachery and intrigue and – by golly – they got it!
The first two to be designated ‘traitor’ by the splendidly vampiric Claudia Winkleman were Richard E. Grant and Maya Jama. Now Richard E. Grant is a much loved national treasure, and one of his eccentricities is to dance around his garden wearing a crown for Instagram, for goodness’ sake. But what he wasn’t supposed to do was immediately proclaim his ‘traitor’ status, as brazenly as a brick through a window.
After his anointing, the poor man was forced to go on with a bluff, so transparent that even the most credulous of the faithful had doubts.
His old mate Danny Baker had already declared that this was part of a cunning plan to be the first to be evicted: ‘less work, same money’, as he put it. The Internet, naturally, was in meltdown. Meanwhile, ‘body language experts’ (I increasingly suspect that this is a role invented by the tabloids) had noticed that Michael Sheen had given Richard a look which said he’d just stolen the last Jaffa cake.
And let’s not forget Julie Hesmondhalgh, whom the nation has universally proclaimed the new sweetheart because she has been so kind to everyone. We are all Julie Hesmondhalgh.
Strictly Come Dancing: The Judges Are Fighting (Again)
But in the Strictly, they had sequins out and their spray-tan on, while the judges were as tight as a duck’s wing. Viewers spotted tension during Movie Week, with Motsi Mabuse apparently glaring at new host Josh Widdicombe with the kind of look he would have given anyone who had stepped on his foot…
“Motsi is weirdly rude to Josh every time she speaks,” remarked a viewer, presumably holding a mug of tea and shaking her head.
That is more entertaining than the dancing itself. Take my word for it. Then there was the moment when, apparently fed up with being interrupted, Craig Revel Horwood snapped at Motsi and Shirley: “You’ve had your moment!”
Alison Hammond: A National Treasure’s Ticker Troubles
On a more serious note, the nation had to bite its nails on Thursday when Alison Hammond, a real favorite of British television, was rushed off the This Morning set with chest pains. The 51-year-old reassured the public that she was only going to check her “old ticker”.
We wish her only the best. She is a jewel, and the country needs her back on the screens, causing chaos and interviewing bewildered A-listers as soon as possible.
Soap Corner: Everyone’s Either Dead, Dying, or Shagging Someone They Shouldn’t
The serials had clearly decided that October was the month of maximum scandals. Where do you start?
In Days of Our Lives, there is a resurrection, Sophia is alive, Kristen found her because she’s always around, and in The Young and the Restless, there are dealers on drugs, a wedding to be spoiled, and someone with cancer… In The Bold and the Beautiful, scandals and pregnancies and brutal truths are dished out like so much kimchee.
If there’s one woman who knows how to get a headline, it’s Pricey. Now the real headline here is that at a Halloween event, Katie Price and her son Harvey wore identical military garb. Apparently, Harvey has lost two stone on Mounjaro, which is very welcome, and they both looked pretty chuffed on the red carpet – hurrah for them.
The Royal Film Nobody Asked For
Finally, in the category of “please, not another one” there is, as we hear, a new film about Prince Harry and Meghan, tentatively entitled Trouble. Nothing says “let’s forget about the past” like making a movie about the previous past.
Royal commentator Charlotte Griffiths warned that Harry should be “quaking in his boots,” a phrase fit for a motivational poster. According to some reports, it may even cover the infamous tiara episode, which has also been linked with the late Queen’s dresser Angela Kelly. I would say a spoiler alert, but at this point, I’d say even the Queen’s corgis could probably write the script.
In short, this is what happened in the past week: traitors treasoning, judges quarrelling, characters in a soap not staying dead, and Katie Price matching with her son in camouflage, just another week in the gloriously absurd world of show-business. God help us.