Real Housewives Of New Jersey Classic Episode Rewatch: In The Name Of The Father [Season 3, Episode 1]

Hello, readers! If you’re something like me, you’ve most likely been watching Real Housewives for therefore lengthy that you just’re feeling a bit nostalgic by now. It’s been 17 years for the reason that franchise got here to be. And the early seasons gave us a lot. Gretchen Rossi allegedly at Bass Lake. Alex McCord making an attempt to outlive in Brooklyn. Kyle Richards being informed that her husband will by no means emotionally fulfill her. KNOW THAT.

The early episodes had every little thing I may need in a actuality present. And since lots of the present seasons have felt so extremely inauthentic, I made a decision to make the most of that Peacock subscription I’ve. That’s proper – I’m watching the some Real Housewives traditional episodes and bringing you alongside for the journey.

Given that Real Housewives of New Jersey is at the moment airing its thirteenth season and Teresa Giudice is nonetheless at odds with brother Joe Gorga and his spouse Melissa Gorga, I wished to return to the place all of it started.

Ladies and gentleman, I convey you a rewatch of RHONJ Season 3, episode 1: “In the Name of the Father.” Or as I wish to name it, “The Christening That Made Baby Jesus Weep.”

We open with Tre and husband “Juicy” Joe Giudice in a very totally different place than the earlier seasons. La famiglia has filed for chapter, main Juicy to open a pizzeria to try to make some money. His building enterprise is out and pepperoni is in.

Since we all know what’s coming down the road, the foreshadowing is nearly painful. But Tre, like us viewers, was blissfully unaware as she tells us “mama’s bringing home the bacon.” Teresa’s Skinny Italian books are promoting like scorching truffles recent pizzelles on the Sunday morning market in South Philadelphia.

But earlier than we dive too deep into Teresa’s life, it’s at this level that I understand we’re nonetheless caught with the Manzo household. Dina Manzo properly hightailed it out of there already, however Caroline Manzo and firm stay. And possibly to fill in for the shortage of Dina, we’ve got to take a seat by way of A LOT of Sunday dinners with these jokers.

Full disclosure – Caroline is one among my least favourite housewives. Possibly ever. She was at all times overbearing and obsessive about presenting herself because the HBIC (Head Bafangool In Charge).

Now let’s pause proper right here earlier than you guys yell at me for too many Italian jokes. These are my individuals – I’m an Italian American who spent a few years of my life dwelling round one of the well-known Italian American communities within the U.S. And no, it’s not Franklin Lakes. PLEASE. So whereas I may not have ties to the mob Brownstone, when lots of you had been bringing PB&J sandwiches to highschool, I had linguine and white clam sauce packed in my Strawberry Shortcake lunch field. Moving on.

I suppose the Middle Manzo, Chris Manzo, has formally deserted his dream of opening a stripper automotive wash. So Caroline is pressured to place her cash somewhere else to assist her children, like getting Chris and Elder Manzo, Albie Manzo, their very own residence. Albie remains to be form of pursuing a legislation diploma and Middle Manzo is…erm…we don’t know. Probably cooking up one other enterprise concept like an all-you-can-eat lasagna burlesque present. Or one thing equally silly like black consuming water.

Jacqueline Laurita (one other non-favorite) is busy together with her personal children. Mainly, her eldest dorter/excessive extension puller Ashley Ashlee Holmes Malleo. Ashlee landed herself a comfortable little job at Lizzie Grubman (bear in mind her?) PR within the Big Apple! Surely by her personal advantage. But when Jacqueline comes to go to, we shortly discover out that Ashlee hasn’t been coming to work on time. Or in any respect. Plot twist – the job in an unpaid internship. So to not be on the unsuitable facet of Laurita historical past right here however….I can type of see why Ashlee isn’t precisely motivated.

Meet The Gorgas

Now the second you’ve gotten all been ready for. Let me introduce you to Melissa “Thank you, Jesus” Gorga. She confidently tells us that she’s dwelling the American dream. That is that if your American dream is being saddled with a man-child of a husband who opens his first on-camera scene by telling you that he desires to rub lotion in your butt cheeks.

Does Melissa care? No! Because Joe is the bestest of builders in New Jersey. He constructed Melissa a 15,000 sq. foot mansion that is sort of a Colonial, Mediterranean, Cape Cod Victorian with a touch of Italian cathedral match for a queen. And the truth that Teresa didn’t even inform Melissa how good it was? Just one other slight in Melissa’s eyes. But I’m actually going to wish Melissa to discover the “why” on this one.

RELATED: Teresa Giudice Says She’s “In Disbelief” After Hearing Melissa Gorga’s Comments About Her Engagement Party

As for the remainder of Melissa’s dream life? She should maintain the youngsters clear, have dinner on the desk all whereas catering to Joe’s wants, as if he’s her fourth little one. Melissa can’t even give her children a shower with out Joe whining that he doesn’t get the identical remedy. Barf.

But Melissa justifies his conduct by saying they’re ITALIAN (as if we didn’t know) and he or she was taught to be a prepare dinner within the kitchen, a woman within the parlor and a wh-re within the bed room. Hey, if that’s your bag, by all means. But Melissa is leaning to this point into the thought of catering to Joe’s misogyny, she will be able to’t even brag with the correct vocabulary when she says Joe has an incredible “work ethnic.” Bless her coronary heart. Or as we Italians wish to say, “Santa Maria!”

Anyway, cleansing is “for the women,” however Joe lets Melissa sit lengthy sufficient to speak about Joey 2.0’s christening. Melissa is happy about welcoming her son into “God’s Kingdom.” But God’s Kingdom doesn’t depart a lot room for sister-in-laws who aren’t supportive sufficient to inform you that your not stunning residence is gorgeous. Straight to confession for you, Teresa!

Now I’m pressured in opposition to my will to fulfill Kathy Wakile, which implies we’ve got to fulfill her husband, Rich Wakile. I may have lived my entire life with out ever understanding that this man existed and I’d die completely satisfied. In truth, I need a time machine so I can return, break into Bravo headquarters and beg the casting individuals to make a greater determination. With that mentioned, I’ve zero curiosity in forcing their scenes on you so let’s quick ahead to what you actually got here her for – the christening.

Christening Chaos

The day has arrived and Tre is speeding round her home like she’s backstage at a Posche trend present making ready to stroll the runway. While she juggles getting her ladies matching purses and feathered headbands, Juicy is nowhere to be discovered. Turns out, he’s on the crapper with a “tummy ache.” Tre’s phrases, not mine, okay? While faking diarrhea is among the oldest methods within the e-book, Teresa buys it and lets him be. At least he didn’t Joe Gorga the state of affairs and ask her to get him some pepto and rub his tum tum. Because you understand that’s what the Gorgas can be doing.

So Tre is late to the church and never solely as a result of she’s juggling 5,000 issues however as a result of Melissa has stolen her hairdresser for the sooner a part of the day. Teresa was left second in line to obtain her sausage curls. Which isn’t a foul factor as a result of regardless of being sprayed by way of a complete ozone layer, Melissa’s have already wilted by the point Baby Joey will get water poured over his head. Count your blessings, Teresa.

Naturally, Joe and Melissa are seething that Tre is late and has nearly missed Baby Joey, decked out in a tiny Chef Boyardee hat, receiving his ticket to God’s Kingdom. If God’s Kingdom requires correct passage within the type of attending the ceremony, then Teresa was caught on the Garden State Expressway. And Juicy will likely be heading straight to hell driving a bathroom.

At the reception, issues are frostier than one of many spiritual ice sculptures Melissa painstakingly picked out in between lady-ing up her parlor and shopping for what seems to be a particular version mother-of-the-baby christening gown.

Juicy lastly exhibits up, proper in time for photographs, which Joe tries to push on him. But Juicy is dedicated to his pretend digestive points and declines. Which simply additional enrages Joe.

Meanwhile, at God’s chosen desk, Melissa, Kathy and Richie gossip about Teresa. Joe is again in his seat, slurring about how Teresa ignores him and Juicy has turned his father in opposition to him. You know, his beloved father who wasn’t even seated at his desk….yeah, that one.

The social gathering is now in full swing and the strobe lights are brighter than the Star of Bethlehem. Baby Chef Boyardee is formally going to heaven in the future and meaning….MORE SHOTS.

After Teresa and Juicy commit the final word sin of dancing with Chef Boyarbabee, the day takes a flip. Apparently, this can be a huge no-no. Not to be confused with Nonno.

As Joe sloppily complains about Tre, she unsuspectingly involves congratulate the Gorgas on this holy event. To which Joe tells her to stroll away and calls her rubbish. Gasp! Jesus would by no means!

Joe then goes nuts. And I imply, NUTS. Nuttier than a biscotti, individuals. He bangs his tiny fists on the desk, which considerably heightens the aggression. Juicy is drawn to the over-display of masculinity like Richie is to an inappropriate joke. As Tre walks away, Joe fees Juicy.

Now there seems to be some debate right here about whether or not or not Joe charged Juicy or Juicy charged Joe. Obviously, they each have totally different takes. I rewound it a couple of occasions and analyzed the tape more durable than the refs on the Super Bowl. Who flubbed the final name in opposition to the Eagles costing them the win, btw. My takeaway was that Joe was the charger and Juicy was the chargee. That’s my official play name. But I imagine the controversy nonetheless rages on right this moment.

Regardless of who began this mess, Joe is all hopped up on the physique and blood of Christ he acquired on the church and nothing can cease him. Making issues worse, the remainder of the menfolk are all too completely satisfied to leap into the fray. Bravo cameramen are knocked over and Melissa is virtually thrown off her stripper heels by her personal husband, who continues to go after Juicy.

This show is poisonous masculinity at it’s best. These males haven’t been this mad because it was introduced that they wouldn’t be making any extra Rocky films. And they’re all taking it out on one another. And the dessert desk. What a waste of completely good cannolis, ammirite?

Nonno is shook seeing the violence that has unfolded. Tre checks on him to ensure he’s okay. Joe however, drags him exterior to scream at him in entrance of a crowd. The facade of a tight-knit Italian household has been wiped away with much less effort than it takes for Melissa to take away the unimaginable quantities of bronzer from her face.

In the space, a melting ice sculpture within the form of a cross serves as a metaphor for the episode. Even probably the most holy of issues aren’t sacred relating to actuality tv. It’s a lesson this “fambily” must study time and again. Thankfully not at one other christening.

TELL US – WHO CHARGED WHO – JUICY OR JOE GORGA? ARE YOU TEAM TRE OR TEAM MELISSA? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS WHAT CLASSIC EPISODE YOU WANT ME TO RECAP NEXT!

[Photo Credit: Paul Zimmerman/Getty Images]