Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs each Thursday in the course of the NFL season. Email Drew right here. Buy his e book right here.
There’s a narrative concerning the Sunday Night Football intro music that’s instructive, one which I prefer to carry up each every now and then as a result of I hate the world. It issues former Panthers proprietor and residing plantation oil portrait Jerry Richardson. Richardson was about to enter surgical procedure for a coronary heart transplant, presumably as a result of his unique coronary heart wasn’t fairly black sufficient to swimsuit his wants. But earlier than he went beneath the knife, he had one final request, as relayed to skilled nugget baron Peter King:
He obtained the telephone name to hustle into the hospital in Charlotte for the surgical procedure late that afternoon. This I didn’t know: It was an NBC sport that day, and when Richardson was being prepped for surgical procedure, he had one request earlier than being put beneath. “I wanted to hear that Faith Hill song,’’ he said. The NBC theme song for the football game was the last thing, other than some personal words from his wife, he heard before the transplant.
Now, it’s telling that King would posit this as a touching story of the love affair between a dying man and, uh, a multi-billion dollar football league. Everyone else who read that anecdote saw it for what is was: a horny old Gingrich clone desperate to remember seeing an attractive lady in a sparkly minidress on the teevee so he could have one last mummified boner before ascending to the great Hardee’s in the sky. There’s no chance Richardson really wanted to HEAR that song, because it sucked. He wanted to SEE Hill shimmy around in his piss-soaked brain, so then he could go to sleep and (unfortunately) wake up again and take that boner out on every female employee within arm’s reach. The song was beside the point, and it always has been.
Sunday Night Football has been on for over a decade. And despite its standing as the League’s foremost primetime showcase, and even though NBC has a small army of production geniuses on hand to make sure the broadcast runs seamlessly (and it often does), it’s amusing that they have cycled through so many different versions of an intro song and ALL of them have sucked ass. They started with Pink covering Joan Jett. Pink is the Spencer’s Gifts of pop music and I hate her songs with a righteous fury. Then they moved onto Faith Hill covering the same song. Then they recruited Carrie Underwood, almost certainly because Hill had gotten too old for Richardson’s needs. OOOOHHHHHHH SUNDAAAAYYY NIIIIGHT.
Every iteration of the song has been worse than the last, and the whole segment seems specifically designed to be a softcore video for Kid Rock Cruise passengers who haven’t discovered internet porn yet. I fast forward or mute the opening number every week because it literally makes me uncomfortable to watch. See how long you can tolerate this shit without wanting to die:
I lasted to the first GAME ON, and then could brook no further. Keep in mind that they have an entire offseason to plan this number. I can’t even imagine how much money they dumped into the production. They had focus groups and meetings with Pepsi and everyone on board was like, “Oh yeah, those leather boy shorts are just what Mister Richardson would have wanted,” after which they foisted it onto the American public.
Sports music all the time works greatest when it’s easy. Fox ripped off the bridge to “Sleigh Ride” they usually’re nonetheless utilizing it over 20 years later. “Roundball Rock” is a tacky comfortable rock jingle that continues to be firmly lodged within the psyche of American male aged 35 and over. The March Madness jingle is eight notes lengthy and just about indestructible. The SNF intro, in contrast, is simply bells and whistles on high of bells and whistles, with seemingly little regard for you, the listener at residence. It goes on FOREVER, too. Carrie is mendacity to me concerning the sport being on. It’s not on till she’s completed warbling for one more 5 minutes I received’t get again. It’s solely once I hear the precise SNF theme music, a delightfully pompous and mercifully brief ditty composed by John Williams, that I can generate precise enthusiasm concerning the sport at hand.
The intro to a soccer sport doesn’t must be an occasion, you realize? The sport precedes itself. I simply plowed by an entire day of RedZone and I’m nonetheless right here, prepared for extra soccer one way or the other. I can get no extra amped, plus I get sufficient shitty inventory nation music from all of the Dodge Ram advertisements in between. Cut that shit out. Just ditch the music, or license the Avengers theme and get on with it. Because the best way it stands now, each time I breeze previous that clip I gotta consider a disgusting outdated shitbag hoping to see one final blonde earlier than getting his chestbone sawed open.
The Games
All video games within the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to five Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Chiefs at Steelers: Andy Reid will most likely by no means win a Super Bowl, however there’s some form of ethical victory available in the truth that his teaching tree is much extra influential and profitable than Bill Belichick’s will ever be. Belichick is the best coach of all time, however he’s additionally a singular freak: a grumpy dipshit whose obsessive genius can’t be taught or transferred to anybody else. There’s no actual guiding philosophy that Belichick will cross down, apart from curt directives and an absence of fundamental human decency. Reid, then again, is a play-calling libertine whose offensive open-mindedness has already had a demonstrable, optimistic affect on different organizations … the Eagles, most obviously.
Like, I do know the entire debate about whether or not taking part in for the Pats was “fun” was a silly debate, due to course successful is enjoyable. But type can depend for one thing too, similar to it counts for dipshit NBA fanboys who grasp on each sport of the common season even supposing the NBA Finals will probably be a foregone conclusion. So I recognize any coach whose guiding philosophy seems to be WHY THE FUCK NOT? The titles aren’t the ONLY factor that issues.
Patriots at Jaguars: You’ll be taught lots from that Leibovich e book on the NFL, however one of the vital jarring info was that Adam Schefter commutes to Bristol each week from fucking LONG ISLAND. That’s deranged. Imagine being that hooked up to Long Island. Apparently, ESPN has a automobile service take Schefter (what does that value?!) and he simply sits there for 4 hours on his telephone, nuggeting away within the again seat on his commute. What a bizarre existence. I wager Schefter can go every week or extra with out having a real, human interplay with one other individual.
By the best way, I drastically resent that Schefter is so deeply intertwined with the league’s energy construction that I can’t belief any breaking NFL information except he or another paid stooge verifies it. Schefter’s corruptibility is principally the last word credibility to have amongst entry retailers, and it’s annoying.
Vikings at Packers: If you’re employed for BIG DAILY FANTASY, I would really like you to e-mail me about how DraftKings units their costs. I’m not right here to bitch about them. I don’t sit there staring on the menu with my Football Knower hat on going, “That price is too low! DraftKings doesn’t know what to do with these guys!” I simply wanna know the method. They have analysts on DraftKings’ personal rattling web site attempting to establish why the costs are they approach they’re, for shit’s sake.
I’m positive they maintain the method secret prefer it’s the Colonel’s hen recipe, however the humorous factor is that the costs don’t actually MATTER, you realize? They take all their cash from the vig. You don’t wager in opposition to the home in DraftKings, so any inefficiencies in pricing are simply crimson meat to lure in additional gamers to play in opposition to each other. It wouldn’t shock me if all of the DraftKings executives (i.e. Scotty Jarrett: VP of Crushing It) collect in a shitty convention room each week, carrying soiled hoodies and consuming unhealthy subs, and determine which high-profile dudes are gonna have a low value that week and which scrubs are gonna be priced too excessive. “Let’s set Jonathan Stewart at $7,800. Fuck it.”
Four Throwgasms
Ravens at Bengals: The advert blitz for Fox’s TNF bundle is hysterical as a result of they only come proper out and are like, “Hey, these games are good now!” The complete marketing campaign is like one big subtweet of the Titans. They ought to simply make that the brand new tagline for the published. Thursday Night Football: You’ll Only See The Titans Once! Meanwhile, this sport will finish 9-6.
Panthers at Falcons: I went to the Back To School night time at my child’s public center faculty final week and it was, palms down, probably the most life-affirming factor I’ve ever witnessed. Eighth grade volunteers had been stationed within the halls to assist us discover our approach round if we obtained misplaced (NOTE: Every mother or father obtained misplaced). I went to the refrain class and the instructor had us doing all these foolish refrain warm-up workouts that sound idiotic however had been secretly enjoyable to do. We had been flapping our arms and signing MI-MI-MI! It was the uncoolest factor you’ve ever witnessed.
I went to the Spanish class and the instructor trolled the dad and mom by refusing to talk English. After 10 minutes, she winked at us and was like, “I asked your kids if I should only speak Spanish to you and they said OH YEAH.” Then I went to the science lab and remembered how fucking cool Bunsen burners are. There are gasoline hookups throughout that room they usually let a bunch of preteens simply hang around round them! UNREAL. I wanna go this faculty. I wanna dissect frogs and eat shitty cafeteria meals once more. I spend each day wading by a web-based sewer, and so it was immensely therapeutic to stroll right into a constructing full of people that truly gave a shit concerning the world, and are literally serving to enhance it! FANCY THAT! I wished to hug everybody, however that might most likely get me placed on some form of listing. I want Back to School night time occurred each week, and I want all of Trump’s property had been seized and given to the general public faculty system.
Eagles at Bucs: I spent all final Sunday watching the video games whereas my son performed with a Slinky. Every time it obtained tangled, he made me repair it. So I’d repair it and hand it again to him, after which he would break it once more three seconds later. This cycle went on for six hours. This weekend, I’m gonna begin charging him. I’m too good at this to do it free of charge. I’m the Slinky Doctor.
Three Throwgasms
Colts at Skins: I took my child to a DC United sport and although it was a soccer sport, and although we had been 38 miles away from Baltimore, individuals nonetheless shouted out “O!” in the course of the fucking anthem. That “O!” makes me as mad as kneeling makes an Indiana resident. There ought to be a PSA marketing campaign telling individuals to not do that. The Orioles aren’t even good! They’re traditionally shitty, the truth is. You’ve had your personal baseball staff for over a decade now, D.C. Knock it off. There’s no have to emulate Denny from Dundalk and embarrass your self in the course of the anthem.
Browns at Saints: I don’t know if that is true of different adults, however my social life is principally a repeating loop the place there’s 5 weeks of nothing, after which 22 totally different conflicts occasions all scheduled on the identical weekend. It’s the worst. I’ll sit round all summer time, hoping one thing occurs in order that I can neglect concerning the warmth roasting my balls, then nothing ever does and the entire season simply drags on perpetually. Then fall comes round and each cool competition and street journey and get-together is scheduled in the identical two-hour window on a single day, and nearly all the time in the course of the Vikings sport. I hate it. God has no sense of SPACING and I resent Him for it.
Bears at Seahawks: I will probably be watching this sport with YOU dwell in Chicago, offered you purchased tickets to take action. Just suppose: YOU may come get loaded after which yell at me to do the thumbs-up dance! What a second. Gonna be a magical night.
Dolphins at Jets: I wanna know every part about Jets offensive coordinator Jeremy Bates, who give up teaching in 2012 to stroll the two,900-mile path alongside the Continental Divide. God, that’s so badass. Why’d he come again? This man walked a goddamn continent, by barren deserts and over mountains and throughout nice, wealthy valleys. He pushed the bounds of human endurance and, within the course of, stared deep into his personal soul. Now he’s again to work as a coach for the goddamn Jets. I do know they performed effectively final week, however they’re nonetheless the Jets, man. They’re not precisely God’s majesty.
Two Throwgasms
Lions at Niners: I do know his statline final week was a horrorshow, however Jimmy the Pizza Boy could be very a lot a legit QB. Even when half the Niners offense got here down with spinal meningitis final week and needed to depart the sport, he nonetheless managed to mount a comeback with little greater than George Kittle and Dante Pettis at his disposal. Garoppolo is clearly a type of QBs who will all the time be capable of get a phrase in earlier than the sport is over, and that’s a great high quality on your quarterback to have. I notice that’s a really Mike Lombardi–esque non-insight, however I’m gonna roll with it anyway. YOU NEED LAST WORD GUYS ON YOUR TEAM.
Texans at Titans: I’m now terrified that we now have seen the most effective of Deshaun Watson. We obtained that one sensible stretch out of him, and now Bill O’Brien will run him into the bottom after which bitch out reporters for asking about it. “You’re asking me why my quarterback had his torso forcibly removed out on the field? It’s not my job, Dave!”
One Throwgasm
Raiders at Broncos: I sit up for Jon Gruden consuming shit the entire season lengthy. Also, I stay aghast that Gruden balked at paying Khalil Mack his cash when A) It wasn’t even Gruden’s cash to spend, and B) Every costly NFL contract is often only a 12 months or two away from being utterly cheap. Kirk Cousins was the highest-paid QB within the sport for what, 4 seconds? The sticker shock wears off shortly. And do you notice how rather more fucking cash this league is gonna make now that sports activities playing has been legalized? The cap is barely gonna skyrocket from right here, and contracts that after appeared onerous will find yourself being comparatively inexpensive, if not downright low-cost. All that’s to say I’m by no means gonna get uninterested in shitting on Gruden for dealing away Khalil Mack, particularly when he finally ends up utilizing a type of picks on a fucking kicker.
Giants at Cowboys: Here’s one other potential season-long comedy gold mine: The Cowboys are fucking horrible. It’s AWESOME. I hope Dez seems in a smoke cloud on high of the Jerryworld Jumbotron throughout one sport, cackling and carrying a Phantom of the Opera Mask. The world is best place when that staff can’t win for jack shit. I’m already wanting ahead to Jerry spending 25 incoherent minutes explaining why he’s maintaining Jason Garrett.
Chargers at Bills
Cardinals at Rams
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Napoleon Bona, Part 2” by Budgie! Here’s Joey:
Hey Drew, don’t be alarmed on the rifle-toting and armored parakeets driving into battle on horseback. They are allies and defenders to all who rock.
I imagine you, sir. Budgie, man. That’s a reputation from the previous. I solely keep in mind Budgie as a result of Metallica coated one among their songs, the splendidly titled “Crash Course In Brain Surgery,” on their Garage Days EP approach again when. Did I’ve a poster of that EP cowl on the wall of my teenage bed room? You know I did. That poster witnessed some actual shit.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
I do know you’re most likely over all of the Serena Takes. But what if I informed you there was Serena Take that additionally included a touch of nepotism? Would such a take intrigue you? Look at this goddamn headline:
My niece who performed on the WTA Tour says Serena was not mistreated
Isn’t {that a} magnificence? I prefer to gaze upon such headlines like I’m admiring a classic automobile parked on the road. Nice take! Where’d ya get it? How many miles you get out of that take?
Anyway, I wanna provide you with an opportunity to guess who wrote this take. Now, it needs to be somebody who’s each distinguished sufficient AND lazy sufficient to get this previous an editor and into a significant publication. King? Lupica? Plaschke?
By Dan Shaughnessy
There it’s. Deep in your coronary heart, you all the time knew it.
Meghann Shaughnessy was knowledgeable tennis participant for 19 years earlier than retiring to lift a household six years in the past. She was the world’s Eleventh-ranked feminine participant in 2001. She performed greater than 1,200 skilled matches, together with three singles matches in opposition to Serena Williams (successful one, dropping two) and 7 in opposition to Venus Williams (2-5).
And?
She can be the daughter of my brother.
OH HELL YEAH. I gotta let you know: it’s not comforting to know there are MORE Shaughnessys on the market.
By now, nearly everybody apart from Donald Trump (did I miss a tweet?)…
(o ho ho!)
…Alan Dershowitz, and Kendrick Lamar has printed an opinion piece about Serena Williams’s meltdown in her US Open ultimate loss to Naomi Osaka Saturday. Serena’s habits has been excused by many (“she was mistreated because she’s a woman,’’ “male players get away with what Serena did”) whereas one other section of our international inhabitants merely believes Serena was being a poor sport, incapable of accepting defeat, and making the story about herself whereas deflecting the highlight from a worthy opponent.
I’ve remained on the sidelines, studying, listening, and holding my tongue.
Have you, although? Because right here you might be proper now, trotting out a blood relative to do a take by proxy.
One of my relations mentioned, “Don’t get into it. This thing breaks down two ways. Old white guys see this one way and everybody else sees it the other way.”
WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE OLD WHITE GUYS?!
Anyway, Shank then turns the column over to his niece, who makes some completely cromulent factors about the entire affair. But the query is why the Globe didn’t simply give HER the byline as a substitute. Why is Shank concerned right here in any respect? He’s simply there to show the take like a proud uncle. I really feel like he’s studying his niece’s take to me out loud from his fucking telephone.
Cryptkeeper Al Davis Lock Of The Week: Packers +1
“EEEEEEEEE HEE HEE HEE! I really liked how SCREAM BAY came back against ChicaGHOUL last week! I’m sure HEADLESS coach Mike Mc-AAAAGHHHHHH-thy was pleased! Now here’s a tale for you, precious kitties: What do you say to a decapitated Viking? ‘SKULL’! EEEEEEEEE HEE HEE HEE!”
2018 Cryptkeeper report: 1-0
Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
They confirmed Derrick Henry bust out a long-ass TD run on RedZone final week after which Andrew Siciliano was like, “You’re gonna kill me, because this was called back.” How may you do this to me, Siciliano? I assumed we knew one another. You can’t toy with my feelings like this. Never do this once more or I’ll finish you.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there something extra thrilling than a coach dropping his job? All 12 months lengthy, we’ll maintain observe of which coaches will nearly actually get fired at 12 months’s finish or sooner. And now, your potential 2018 chopping block:
Matt Patricia
Dirk Koetter
Bill O’Brien
Jon Gruden
Jason Garrett
Mike McCarthy
Dan Quinn
Sean Payton
Mike Tomlin
Anthony Lynn
Sean McDermott
Pete Carroll
(*potential midseason firing)
I used to be shocked at a lot I loved watching the Lions get completely pummeled on Monday. I’ve by no means hated that staff the best way I hate the Packers, and I often sympathize with them. But one way or the other Matt Patricia’s presence has rendered the Lions infinitely extra despicable. I by no means need to see a Belichick pupil flourish. I need Belichickism to die with him.
Also, the Jets knew the entire Lions indicators in that sport. How the fuck is that attainable? Jim Bob Cooter was an offensive whiz only a 12 months in the past, and that was when he was serving beneath Jim Caldwell, of all coaches. How did Patricia make him shittier? The complete factor is one large scrumptious shitshow.
Great Moments In Grandpa History
Reader Jeremy sends on this story I name CARD FARTS:
Cards (significantly bid whist and spades) are an enormous deal in my household. My grandfather performed a ton of playing cards throughout downtime within the military, developed deft sleight-of-hand, and taught all of his grandkids how one can shuffle a deck of playing cards once we hit 5 years outdated. When he taught me how one can play spades, he additionally cheated by shifting his seat earlier than dealing himself the entire trumps or aces from the underside of the deck. At the time he informed me that his ‘secret’ to getting the great playing cards was to all the time sit throughout from his associate parallel to the bath on no matter flooring of the home/condo we had been taking part in in. In actuality, he was gaslighting me to determine a basis to cheat in opposition to me sooner or later when he was dropping and it was his flip to deal. Again, I used to be 5.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Takis. Mmmm … so rolled. And so genuine! By the best way, I assumed Dorito cheese mud was arduous to get off your fingers. It’s NOTHING in comparison with flaming scorching mud. You may tie-dye a shirt with only one Taki.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Okocim! From Poland! Our intrepid reader Taylor has particulars.
I chosen this swill at a store referred to as ALKOHOLIKA 24/7 in Krakow, Poland. It was the one beer colder than room temperature. It tasted like a Mickey’s that had been left within the backseat of a Jeep for 8 months, however at 5 Polish zloty ($1.50) for a 4 pack, it was greater than OK.
I like that value, my good friend. I prefer it fairly a bit. I additionally like that the “OK Beer” slogan on the can is definitely an overpromise. If there have been a retailer referred to as ALKOHOLIKA close to me, I’d go there each day and ultimately attempt to purchase a stake in it. Then I’d put classic Metallica posters everywhere in the inside. I MUST OWN IT.
Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!
“Toilet paper is a scam, okay? It’s a scam. Did the cavemen use little dainty bits of paper to do their business? No, of course not. I got players coming up to me all the time complaining and going, ‘Oh coach, oh coach, I got the butt problems!” And that’s as a result of they’ve been utilizing that rattling paper for therefore lengthy! You gotta callus up that space!
“What I do is this, okay? When I have to drop some firewood, I walk outside. No toilets, because sitting in a toilet is NOT a natural position. You’re too vulnerable. You’ve got no power in your hips. I go out into the forest, or behind a Denny’s, and I squat there. And then? NO WIPE. I leave it, because what happens is… you got the microthings and the big germhickies, right? Those compost IN your keister. They work up all the natural juices, and THAT protects your hindquarters from all the bad stuff. I walk around now … I got turd scrapes on my body that have been there since 1993. But what does a turd do if you leave it? That’s right: it HARDENS, okay? Lotta people don’t have the patience to wait that process out. But I do. Lemme tell you what I got: NO CHAFING. None. Zero. It’s like I’m made of leather back there.”
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans
Spider-Man: Homecoming, which I didn’t see till very not too long ago as a result of I had Spider-Man fatigue like the remainder of America, and I figured it was simply extra of the identical shit. But I used to be mistaken. It’s fucking nice. I cherished Ned, man. I need them to make the entire MCU out of Ned. Ned guidelines.
Also, Happy Hogan sucks at his job and ought to be fired. Why does Iron Man even want a human lackey? His pc can do actually every part. This man is a fucking freeloader.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“I don’t think real checks have exclamation points.”
Enjoy the video games, everybody.