Aaron Rodgers is the bane of existence for lots of sports activities writers as of late. Preposterously silly story after impossibly dumb anecdote will get leaked, and we’re left working after him like he’s a canine with IBS — clean dumps and all. Reasonable human beings have moved on to an strategy of “Just tell me when he gets traded,” and I couldn’t co-sign on that outlook extra. If solely we at Deadspin could possibly be so fortunate to be freed from the Green Bay quarterback and his ongoing existential meltdown.
Let’s say — and that is purely hypothetical — that we simply stopped masking Rodgers. Figuring out the way to make up for the loss in site visitors could be tough, however I’m assured we may Moneyball our option to make up the distinction by way of slideshows, Scott Hatteberg, and different loopholes. Obviously, it’d be tough to cowl the Jets if we went via with it, but it’s the fucking Jets, in order that wasn’t a deal breaker.
Of course, my editors pushed again and pushed again after initially refusing to even entertain the prospect in any respect. Lo and behold, months later, they relented, and it solely took me begging inside an inch of my job like 73 occasions.
So, with out additional ado, it’s my excessive pleasure to announce to you, the web, that Deadspin has put a protection pause on Rodgers. That’s proper A-A-Ron, go fuck your self. You’re not fascinating, neither is Pat McAfee, and at last, we’re in a position to higher make the most of our work days as an alternative of vomiting up 200 phrases each time Rogers will get indigestion.
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Yes, this is absolutely an internet stunt. There’s an iota of journalistic integrity to it, but the crux of what we’re doing was taken from the Rodgers playbook. And that is, when in doubt, concoct unrelenting, unapologetic ploys for attention. And what better way to do that than to ride the fumes of the most obnoxious, most visible athlete/storyline out right now?
We’re not ESPN or The Athletic, and as a result, our commitment to the bit can be greater than our commitment to covering Rodgers. Could this turn into a three-month shun with occasional unshun-reshun headlines for the big stories to “do our job” but be a dick about it? Yeah, that’s probably what’s going to happen. Ideally, we’re able to hold off breaking the seal as long as possible, or at least until the threat of termination turns into a promise of dismissal.
The best way to temper an egomaniac is to slap them with silence. It’s an Amish technique. I was shunned from age four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna. And look at how I turned out. Yes, I’m mildly self-absorbed, but at least I have some semblance of self-awareness.
Speaking of which, my self-aggrandization alarm has been buzzing for the past couple of paragraphs, so I’m going to wrap this up. You see that, Rodgers? Less is more — and hopefully what we’re not saying about No. 12 speaks volumes as it relates to how much ink this jackass deserves.