HOLLYWOOD, CA – Your trusty rock and roll correspondent Jim Stinman here, reporting from my incredibly expensive and tiny rented studio apartment where the only thing “metal” is the plumbing. I just choked on my avocado toast scrolling through the news, and let me tell you, the geriatric millennial in me is screaming with joy. The gods of guyliner and breakdowns have answered our prayers!
🎸 The Mount Rushmore of My Middle Age Crisis Tour is Happening!
That’s right, folks. In a move that has orthopedists and audiologists across the East Coast high-fiving, a tour for the ages has been announced. It’s dubbed “The Mount Rushmore of Metal Core Tour” by the bands themselves, though I’d personally call it “The ‘I Can’t Believe My Lower Back Survived This’ Tour.” 211.
The legendary Darkest Hour is leading the charge for their 30th anniversary, which means they’ve been heavy longer than some of their fans have been alive. They’ve promised to play “ALL THE SONGS!” which, if my math is correct, should be a three-day set that requires a doctor’s note and several bags of ice to get through. They’re calling it a “set full of bangers, surprises, and everything in between.” I’m personally hoping the surprise is a group chiropractic session on stage after the third song 212.
They’re bringing along their equally legendary, and presumably equally sore, friends:
-
Bleeding Through: Celebrating the 20th anniversary of their album The Truth. The truth is, we’re all old now, but the breakdowns on that record still hit harder than the reality of my 401(k) statement 26.
-
God Forbid: Will be playing their 2005 classic IV: Constitution of Treason in full. This is a concept album about humanity repeating its mistakes, which is ironically exactly what I’ll be doing when I throw my back out in the pit during the first song 411.
-
Nora: The lovely gentlemen from New Jersey are rounding out the bill. They’re not celebrating a specific anniversary, but their job is to “ensure that these shows will be ripping and unforgettable from the first note.” I think that’s code for “warm-up act that will make you feel even more ancient” 511.
📅 Tour Dates for Your Perusal (and My Physical Therapy Appointments)
Mark your calendars, set your alarms, and maybe pre-apply that Icy Hot!
| Date | Location | Venue |
|---|---|---|
| Dec. 12 | Silver Spring, MD | The Fillmore |
| Dec. 13 | Hampton Beach, NH | Wally’s |
| Dec. 14 | Brooklyn, NY | The Monarch |
Tickets go on sale this Friday, August 29th at 10 AM EST. I’d suggest getting yours quickly, as the demand will be high from everyone who spent their youth on the Victory Records message boards 212.
So dust off that battle jacket that definitely doesn’t fit like it used to, practice your respectful head-nodding (the doctor said no more windmills), and I’ll see you in the back, by the bar, where we can loudly complain about how the mix sounds while secretly being thrilled we’re alive to witness this.
This is Jim Stinman for Showbizztoday.com, reminding you to stretch before you rage.
**Jim Stinman is a freelance music journalist and professional mosher emeritus based in Hollywood. His lower back has reviewed concerts for over 20 years.**